Oct. 28, 2015, My Miscarriage

Miscarriage. It's a difficult word to say now. It's a word I try to avoid using, because I've been trying so hard to push it to the back of my mind and focus on anything else. I think I am ready to open up about it now, if only through a blog. A computer screen doesn't talk or give you that look of pity that only makes things worse, so sometimes it's easier to open up to. I'll start from the beginning. 

My husband and I have always been on the same page about how many children to have. We want 4 or 5, or however many the Lord blesses us with. The timing on when to have those kids hasn't always been as easy to agree on. We never fought about it, or anything, but I was getting baby hungry again...almost immediately after our first son. I love being a mom, and I love babies, and I want our kids to be (relatively) close together so they can have a good connection. I was thinking 2 years apart would be good, so we could start trying again when our son was 18 months old. I think my mindset had a lot to do with how far apart I was from my older siblings. there's an 8 year gap between my brother and I, and a 10 year gap between my sister and I. I always felt like I was almost an only child, and I envied the relationship between my siblings that came from being children together for eight years before I was around. I will never share the same life experience or inside jokes, and I didn't want to do that to my own children. So when Jude was a year and a half, I started dropping hints to my husband about having another. The thing was, though, we were much more financially stable when we decided to have our first. When Jude was about 6 months old, we moved to Texas, and took a temporary pay cut. That was a hard year, and we were just coming out of it. There were times we had to scrounge to get food or diapers. The idea of doing that to a second child terrified David, and he wanted to make absolutely sure we had enough to provide for another baby before even thinking of conceiving again. That made sense, and it was smart and sensible, but I was still baby hungry. We put it on the back burner for a while, and every so often I would test the waters again to see where we stood. Finally, after at least two promotions, me starting a daycare and having my own income, and buying a house with savings left over, Dave decided we were financially ready. I had my IUD removed at the end of June, when Jude was almost 2 and a half. Saturday, September 26, I got a positive pregnancy test. I was too excited to contain it, and I wasn't worried about anything going wrong (I figured if something did go wrong, I'd want to tell everybody anyway to get comfort, instead of keeping it secret) so I told everybody. I made the rounds telling all my family and friends and people at church...I had my Halloween costume (bun in the oven) in mind and my facebook announcement all planned out... I was dreaming of that tiny little newborn and thinking of how I would decorate the nursery, and middle names...I had just thrown one of my best friends a baby shower, and I was hoping for one of my own. Four women at church were pregnant, and my best friend from college who lives in another state was also pregnant, so I was so happy to

be included. My kids would be over three years apart, which is more than I was hoping for, but still a good gap. I was feeling great, and very happy that I wasn't feeling any morning sickness, so I was expecting another smooth pregnancy, like my first. 

I was nothing but excited for my 8 week appointment. My husband had the day off, and we took our son and got a babysitter for the kids I babysit. I was expecting to see the ultrasound, show Jude the new baby and get him excited, get some pictures, kiss my husband, maybe hear the heartbeat. None of that happened. The doctor did my ultrasound, and it didn't look anything like it did with my first. I asked "Is there a baby in there?" half joking. The doctor said something to the effect of "well...I'm not sure" I was hoping, if anything, it was a false positive because I had gotten such a cheap home test, but my heart sunk. I tried to hold back tears as she explained that they needed to take some blood to find out what was going on. I had been spotting for two days, but I had googled it and reassured myself that was normal. She said maybe I wasn't as far along as I should be, or maybe I had a missed miscarriage, or maybe the sack had formed, but no baby had ever formed. I had to give blood and come back on Monday to give more blood before I would know what was going on. Not knowing was torture. The uncertainty and confusion, and then worrying that the stress would hurt the baby (if there was a baby) made it hard to think about anything else, or even function. In possibly the greatest timing of all time, half an hour after that appointment I found out I would get to keep another two year old boy (who I had taken care of for three days earlier that week) for the next year and a half. That's an entirely different story, but it gave me something to take my mind off of the bleeding, and the anticipation for Monday's appointment. It made things harder, in some ways, but mostly it gave me something to pour my heart into as I thought about the love and attention this boy needed. On the flip side, on Friday I had 6 toddlers to take care of all day, when all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry. Alone. All day. That obviously wasn't a possibility, so I did the best I could, which wasn't great. I had break downs several times that day and on Monday.Having all of the kids wanting to constantly be held and needing my full attention and energy almost broke me. I had no energy to run around and play with them. I just wanted a break. On Tuesday morning they called and confirmed the miscarriage. I already knew, because I had been bleeding for almost a week, and I knew that wasn't good. I cried for a while, especially while telling people. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to tell my family and hear "I'm so sorry" a hundred times. I told my mom to tell my family, but I told my sister, because she had been through a miscarriage of her own. I didn't want to talk to anybody who hadn't been through it themselves, because only they knew how it felt and what to say. My best friend from another state was going through the same thing on exactly the same weekend, so I talked to her. I also talked to one of the moms I babysit for, because she had had two, and my mother in law, who has had three. Outside of those women and my husband, nobody had anything helpful to say. Nobody knows what to say, because it's so taboo to even talk about it. All they can say is "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help? It's all part of God's plan. It will all work out. It will be ok. You can always have more. There's always next month..." I know they had good intentions, but anything they said just made me feel worse. They didn't know how I felt, and in a way, anything they said just made me feel more hurt or angry. There's nothing they could do to help. And I knew I would have more children, but I wanted that one. I didn't want to tell anybody face to face, because they would give me that look that just makes me break down, because all I see in their eyes is pity, and that's not what I wanted. 

Part of me was relieved, because I didn't know if I could handle a baby right now on top of the other two toddlers and my daycare. That little thought just made me feel guilty, though, because of course I wanted that baby, no matter how difficult it would be. Dave was very supportive and understanding, but he didn't feel the pain and grief as intensely as I did, because it wasn't a part of him. After Tuesday afternoon, the healing went faster than I expected. I was stronger than I thought I would be. I could tell people I was fine and act normal and happy. For the most part, I was. I am. Over two weeks later, I'm still feeling the residual hormones from the pregnancy and I still have my bad moments. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I have random outbursts of anger or depression, but for the most part, I'm ok. It will always hurt, but I am trying to focus on other things and look ahead. The biggest part of recovering has been the sheer exhaustion. There are some days I just don't have the energy to do anything, and when Jude begs me to play, it breaks my heart that I can't, because I just don't want to get up off the couch. Other days, I have this crazy energy and I want to get all these projects done so I have something else to put my mind to. I still don't want to talk about it. I may never want to talk about it. Somehow saying it out loud makes it feel...more trivial, I guess, because there's no way to describe it and show the proper respect to that baby without breaking down. I can understand, now, why nobody opens up about their experiences until they find out it's happened to somebody else. Only those who have gone through it know what it's like, and they don't have to say anything. Just knowing that they know is enough to feel less alone. It has been a rough couple of weeks, with a lot of ups and downs, but I am recovering, and I am ok. 

Oct. 28, 2015, Our (Temporary) New Edition

I run a daycare from my home. I take care of 3 toddlers who aren't my own on most week days, 4 on Fridays. One of the moms I babysit for, Jessica, had a neighbor whose kids were friends with her kids. That neighbor's five year old son got diagnosed with a brain tumor at the beginning of September, and Jessica was helping them out in any way she could, meanwhile keeping me posted about everything that was going on with them when she dropped her son off each morning. This family has had a really rough time, especially in the last six months. Their car was totaled because one of the parents sister (a drug addict) borrowed and crashed it. Things spiraled from there. Not totally clear on the order of all the events, but there was a flood in their home, they had to move to a 1 bedroom apartment for 6 months with their four kids, one of them lost their job, they got evicted, the eviction hearing was the day after the brain cancer diagnosis, but the landlord didn't care and evicted them anyway and started throwing out all their stuff and they could only grab whatever they could fit in a friend's car...pretty much everything bad that can happen to a family. It pretty much spiraled out of control. They spent a month living in the hospital while their three other kids went to live with their grandma (well, she was the grandma of the two youngest kids, but not biologically related to the two older). The biggest problem was that she lived in Austin, and couldn't make the trip to bring the kids to see their parents and brother much. She also lived in a one bedroom apartment, and didn't have anybody to take care of the kids while she worked on the weekends. 

Monday, October 6, Jessica asked me to watch Austin, the youngest child, for a couple hours in the morning until she could meet up with the grandma to give him back after a weekend visit with his parents. Jessica had decided to keep the older two kids with her instead of sending them back so they could stay in the same school and be close to their friends and family, but with six kids of her own, she couldn't take another toddler, so he was going to go back with his Grandma. The grandma had some sort of disagreement with Jessica and the kids' mom, so that plan fell through. They were all scrambling to figure out what to do with Austin, and I was still babysitting him, so I called and talked to my husband, David, and we said we would take him for a couple days until they figured something out. On Wednesday they patched things up with the grandma and she was going to take him back. I wasn't thrilled about him leaving, but I didn't have much say. I hadn't even met the parents or anything. I told them we were willing to take him for as long as needed. That night, Jessica took Austin to his parents at the hospital to meet with the grandma again. The nurses offered the grandma a free bed for the night so she wouldn't have to drive with him so late. In the morning, the parents talked to her about the option for Austin to stay here with us so he could be closer to them, and after having her heart melted by the brother with cancer who said it makes him happy to see his siblings, she agreed that would be best. I got the text telling me about their decision about half an hour after a less than happy obgyn appointment, which was the first clue that I had a miscarriage. The timing of getting Austin was actually perfect, because our family still grew, just not in the way expected. He gave me something to focus on and distract me. We will have him for the 80 weeks that his brother is going through Chemo, which adds up to about a year and a half. 

The first few days were rough. He had been passed around so much he had some serious abandonment issues, so he was very clingy and wanted to be held ALL. THE. TIME. He would have random melt downs over little things like not getting more fruit snacks, being served vegetables instead of goldfish, not getting to take a toy outside...and he would just throw himself on the floor and have a fit.  He had a hard time going to sleep the first few nights and would cry a lot when we tried to put him down. At first he kept to himself or clung to me and wouldn't play with the other kids. After the first few days, though, he has been getting better rapidly. He just needed to adjust to a new home and new rules and structure. Now he's trying new fruits and vegetables we give him, he's got this big grin all the time, he hardly ever has melt downs (which is good for any two year old!) and he LOVES playing with Jude and David and me. Jude is super friendly and social, so he brought Austin out of his shell. they get along great, except for the occasional spats over sharing toys. Jude took a week or two to adjust, and got extra possessive of me for a while, but that's getting better as well. It's a new balance to find, just like any addition to a family. 

People keep saying how awesome or selfless we are for doing this, but honestly, I think most people in our situation would do exactly the same. I'm used to having tons of toddlers around anyway, we've got a third bedroom with a bed that isn't being used except for nap time during the day, I've got plenty of extra car seats, and Jude's old clothes fit Austin, we are able to financially support one more kid, since we had been planning on it anyway...so it just made sense. he's a great kid, and it's nice for Jude to have somebody to play with all the time, because he loves having friends around so much. It just sort of all worked out. 

Nov 7, 2015, Hanging On

Let me start out by saying, this blog is purely a way for me to vent, because writing helps me blow off steam. I have a wonderful life, and I am so grateful for my husband and family and all the adorable kids in my life. That being said, everything isn't always perfect. I just went to a baptism of a little girl in my primary, and it was a little stressful. I had to go by myself with both boys because one of our cars isn't working and Dave had to go in to work, so I had to drive all the way over to New Caney and drop him off, and I'm going to pick him back up in a little bit. I actually didn't mind the driving, because it got me out of the house, and I got to have some time to talk with David in the car, which I appreciated. 

I have been to several baptisms of children who have been in my class or otherwise personally connected to me, and I am always so happy when they choose to be baptized, and so glad when I am able to attend. I really wish it could be a nice experience, where I can feel the spirit and cry tears of joy, but they are usually tears of frustration instead, because I usually have to bring Jude, and sitting still and being calm and quiet is not his forte. Austin was actually very well behaved, for the most part. he dumped some cereal out on the floor in the car and in the church, and he was squirmy, but he was at least happy and quiet. Jude, on the other hand, started out by breaking free of my hand and running down the aisle in the chapel, dragging his blanket behind, when we first arrived. He wasn't happy with any of the toys I gave him and only wanted whatever Austin had when we were in the chapel, but other than that he wasn't too bad during the opening exercises. He was pretty good during the actual baptism, too, which is more than I can say for past baptisms we've been to. I often miss seeing it happen because I have to take him, screaming, out into the hall. Right after he got to watch, though, he didn't want to sit or stay with me, and he wanted juice. He is so addicted to juice, but I had forgotten to bring any. I had lots of toys and snacks and his Avengers blanket, but those wouldn't suffice. He wanted to get down and go run around and play, and he wanted juice, and neither were options, so he threw a fit. I missed the confirmation and some of the singing and talks because I had to take him out so he wouldn't be such a distraction. Thankfully a friend kept Austin with her and watched him while I took Jude out so it wasn't as much of a scene. 

 Jude has always stressed me out whenever I take him outside the house, especially when people I know are around. I always feel like I need to be perfect in how I handle every situation because I'm being judged and scrutinized by everybody around me, as both a parent and a daycare provider/babysitter. If people like how I handle things, they might refer me to friends, but if they don't agree or approve of my methods they won't want to use me. The thing about child care and parenting, though, is that there is no one right way, and everybody has such different and strong opinions about what is ok and what is the worst possible thing you could possibly ever do to a child. You can't please everybody. In my daycare I've come across that quite a bit. Like for some kids, if I "let them sleep too much" during the day, their parents blame me for them not sleeping at night, but for other kids, if I "don't let them sleep enough" I'm responsible for them being cranky. Both kids could have had the same amount of sleep, or I could have them on a regular schedule or just let them sleep whenever they're tired, but no matter what I do, chances are, not everybody will agree with it. Anyway, Jude is especially challenging for me. I haven't figured out a tried and true method for helping him calm down when he is running around being too crazy or when he is getting cranky or upset that he isn't getting what he wants. It was worse for a couple weeks when Austin first joined us, but it's gone back to normal since then. Normal is still stressful in public, though. At least in my own house I can send him outside to use his energy, or put him in time out or send him to his room, or get him what he needs. In my house it's safe and controlled. I know what he can get into and what soothes him and he can run around as much as he likes. When we go elsewhere, I have to somehow get him to be more calm, and I only have whatever I can pack in my bag to keep him happy. Then when I don't have what he wants and he has a tantrum, it's embarrassing. That's why play groups at other people's houses is often more stressful than fun for me. I have no idea why his behavior is so much worse than any of the other kids I take care of. I could take all four other toddlers somewhere without him, and it would probably be about the same as just Jude. I don't know where I've gone wrong or what I've done to let him become like this. It's not all the time, at least. He can be the sweetest, funniest kid in the world when he wants to be, but sometimes he drives me to my wits end!

I think part of the problem is that we are at home so much that when we go other places, he gets too excited and wants to run around and explore, even when it's not appropriate. We are pretty stuck most of the time because our second car has issues with the transmission (we think, maybe) and the battery is dead, and we just haven't had a chance to get it looked at. I'm working 10 hour days keeping other people's kids, and Dave has been working 6 days a week, staying late to work on homework, going to mutual and stuff at night, and going to this scout training camp called woodbadge that's six days spread over two weekends, Thursday-Saturday. He's been working Saturdays to make up for that so he doesn't have to take any vacation days, and to work on this big ongoing project at work. He's working full time, going to school full time, and he's the Young Men's President in our ward, so he's always actively involved in church stuff, working with the boys, and doing stuff for the scout program. That's all great, and I know he's working so hard to finish school and do his duty to God and provide for our family and take care of other people. He is such a great man, but at the same time, I miss him. And I don't have a car to use while he's constantly gone, so things like doctors appointments and grocery shopping and helping people or socializing are made more tricky. I've gotten used to him being gone a lot, and I can handle it. He's been gone for a week for scout camp the last two or three summers, and he's worked many late nights and weekends before. I understand that all the things he's doing are important/mandatory and I wouldn't change that. I fully support him in everything he does. But I am really looking forward to when he doesn't have to spend his nights doing homework and maybe we can have more regular date nights, or at least have dinner as a family almost every night and some help putting the kids to bed. He graduates in December. Just a few weeks to go! He keeps asking me to just hold on for a little longer, and that he will have more time to spend with us and to do work around the house and everything once he's done with school. I'm trying to hold on, but sometimes it's hard. And I know that if it's not school there will always be something keeping him busy. Life doesn't just slow down. 

I miss Dave, of course, but at least I still get to see him almost every night. And like I said, I'm used to him not being around much. I can run the household on my own, fix most things by myself, put the kids to bed...but it's the lack of transportation that's really been getting me lately. When you work from home, surrounded by kids every day, sometimes all you need is to get out of the house. I have several friends who have given me rides or who have offered to, but I hate accepting favors or asking for help. I want to be the one who is able to help people. I don't like to rely on others. I feel like I owe them, even though I know they probably don't mind. I don't want to put anybody out or take advantage of anybody's kindness. I know there are so many other people, even in our ward, that need help so much more than I do, and there are more of them than there are people who are able and willing to help them. I don't want to use up people's resources that could be better spent on somebody who needs them more.  

When I do get out of the house, I usually have both toddlers with me, so it's not exactly relaxing. Grocery trips are spent telling them to "Stop kicking each other. Don't lay down on him. Don't grab things off of the shelf. No you can't get down because last time I let you down you ran away and knocked stuff over. I'm sorry, buddy, I can't hold you anymore, you're too heavy and my arms are getting tired...." I know that's something most moms can relate to. Sometimes I would just like to go somewhere besides the grocery store or church, and I would like to go without kids. Last week, there was a night that Dave was supposed to be working late, but he surprised me by coming home early and saying he wanted to take me out to dinner. We got a babysitter for a couple hours, and you have no IDEA how much that small gesture meant to me. I enjoyed that couple of hours SO much! I hope after December, nights like that become more frequent. There was also a night last week that a friend offered to take the boys to a trunk or treat and give me some alone time to set up for our Halloween party the next day. She is a wonderful person and I truly appreciated that gesture. 

Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I love the funny things they say and do. I love the cuddles and the feel of a little head resting on my shoulder or a little hand wrapped around my finger. I love their energy and honesty and the sweet moments when they share without being told, or eat their vegetables without argument, or hug a friend who was upset. I love my own biological son, and I also love the dozens of children I care for and think of as mine, in a way. I love all my daycare kids and primary kids at church. They are so sweet and innocent and accepting. 

But sometimes...I need grown up time. So I'm just holding on until my Thanksgiving break and Christmas break when I'll hopefully have Dave around more, and maybe a little kid free time. I'm holding on until Dave graduates and has a little more time. I'm holding on until we can get the car fixed. I'm holding on for any little break I can get. 

Nov. 10, 2015, Doing Our Best

Sunday evening was awesome. We had regional conference that day, so there were no meetings and church was 11-1 instead of 2:30-5:30, so we got home by 2 and were able to spend the rest of the day together. That doesn't happen very much right now. I'm so used to Dave being gone, it doesn't bother me any more. But when he is home, and he hasn't been working his butt off all day, getting home late and totally exhausted, he makes up for all the time he's not around. On Sunday night, he washed all the dishes, loaded and unloaded the dishwasher (all his idea! I didn't even ask!) took out the trash, helped me clean our room, cuddled and watched a movie with me, and let me take a nice long shower and paint my nails. He is so considerate and thoughtful. I know he feels bad about how much he has to be gone, and that he hasn't been able to help around the house as much as he would like to. He tries his best to make the most out of every moment he gets to be with us. Most nights he gets home after the boys are in bed, but when they are awake, He watches them while I make dinner, he sits and helps them eat their dinner, reads them stories, chases them around the house and plays hide and seek, and helps put them to bed. Usually there's only a couple of hours for him to spend with them before bed, if that. Whenever there's a Saturday he actually doesn't have anything going on, (that hasn't happened in months), he makes sure to spend the day doing projects and fixing things around the house that I'm not able to do myself. He takes me to the grocery store, we go out to lunch or dinner...he really does his best to spend quality time whenever he's with us, even if there's not much quantity. 

That's why I get annoyed when people get mad at us for not doing something. Whether it be a boy scout who needs help with something and wasn't able to meet at the time Dave told them he was available, or somebody telling us we really need to take our car in to get it diagnosed and fixed, a friend who we haven't gotten to go out with in a while, etc....we're trying! We're doing our best, I promise! We both have this huge priority list, and we never have enough time for all of it, so sometimes, we just can't do extra things, even though we really want to and they would be much more fun or helpful. Sometimes I just want to shake them and ask "OK, WHEN in the last MONTH would we have had time to do that? WHAT do you suggest we cut out? Should Dave stop doing his homework and fail his classes in his last semester of college, just a few weeks from the end? Should he tell his boss to go screw himself instead of doing the big projects they've been planning out all year that can only be done on the weekends when school isn't in session? Should he stop doing his calling as Young Men's president, stop going to mutual one night a week, stop going to scout camp outs and training camps and his 8 hours of meetings he needs to be at on Sundays? We feel like our callings are our duty to God, and it is important to use them to help others. In our ward, especially, there aren't a ton of solid, active families to carry everybody else, so we are desperately needed. I am in the primary presidency, so sometimes that can be a lot of work, too, but it's been pretty quiet lately. I work 10 hour days taking care of 5-6 toddlers, and more on some days when I take on extra kids, so the housework usually has to be done during nap time and at night, when I clean up all the tornado sized messes they've made throughout the day. 

Let's look over the last month, and you can tell me when we would have had time to make extra visits or get our car fixed, etc. This past weekend, on Saturday, we got up at 6am, I drove him to work, went home, changed and got the boys dressed, took them to a baptism, went home long enough to change, went to pick Dave up from work, we ate lunch, then went home and had just enough time to do a little house cleaning and shower before our out of town friends came to visit. The weekend before that, Dave was gone Thursday (5am) to Saturday (6:20pm) for a three day scout training, which he will be doing again in a couple weeks. He got home ten minutes before our big Halloween party started. I spent the weekend without a car, and cleaned and got ready for the party by myself. Thankfully, that Friday, Dave's parents watched the kids and took me grocery shopping, and that evening a friend took the boys trunk or treating so I could have time to clean. The weekend before that, Dave had to work all day, grabbed a couple costumes and candy on the way home, and we went to the church trunk or treat, which was fun, but we also kinda needed to be there, since the youth were in charge and Dave is the young men's president. The two weekends before that, Dave had to work all day. It's just him and one other person doing this huge project, and his boss refuses to let him have anybody else to help out because they're too cheap to pay the hourly people overtime. The weekend before that was General Conference all weekend. 

Ok, so how about week days? He gets off work at 3:30, so surely he has time in the evenings? Wrong again. Night time is the only time he has to work on homework and have online webcam meetings with his class groups. He doesn't have time to work on homework during the work day, usually, so he is often gone till 10:30 or later trying to keep caught up. One night a week he goes to mutual, and on Friday nights, sometimes he stays late to get a head start on the weekend work project. So no, he's not available at night, either. And when he is, one or the other of us usually needs to take advantage of that time and take the car to go get groceries. He does his best to make himself available when somebody needs him, especially for his calling, but there really isn't much wiggle room. 

I am fine with all of this. Like I said, I've gotten used to it. I miss him, but when he is here it's great, and when he isn't here, I've got a good routine down and I get some housework done. I just want other people to understand what our life is like, at least until he graduates in a few weeks, and stop judging us when we can't fit in extra stuff. We're trying our best to do the things that are priorities and make the most out of our time. i'm not saying not to ask us to do anything, because we are always willing to try and cram a little more in, and might be able to, but please don't get offended if we can't at that particular time. If it's something flexible, we might be able to work it in! We do want to spend time with you. We have all these people we want to have over for dinner or family home evening or go on double dates with when we have time. So don't stop trying!

I fully support Dave in all that he does, and I know that everything he does for work and school is his way of trying to make sure he can provide for his family and make sure we are taken care of. I know that everything he does for his calling is his way of trying to do what is right and trying to be God's servant and take care of his children. Dave has such a generous heart. People don't always see it because he can have a gruff exterior sometimes, but everything he does is out of concern for others, or trying to protect me, or help out anybody he can. Heck, he even gave away a whole couch one time to a family who had no furniture, because we didn't have space for it anyway, and that's just the kind of person he is. His whole reason for trying to make money is to take care of us, but also to be able to take care of other people. I love him so much. So please, wait just another month or so before telling us how we need to be using our time, because we are trying to do our best. I promise. 

Nov 12, 2015, Perspective

With all the ridiculous controversy going on lately with the red Starbucks cups and everything else under the sun pretty much this whole year, I thought I'd try and bring a little perspective to light. People are all mad because Starbucks Holiday cups are plain red this year instead of having some snowflake or reindeer design or something, and apparently some "Christians" are trying to make it a big deal because it's not festive enough, and therefore is waging a war on Christmas. All I'll say about that is that I really don't care. I don't think most sane people do because it is so trivial and stupid. I felt the same when Cecil the Lion was killed by some dentist. Was it illegal and wrong? Yes. Was it the end of the world like people were making it out to be? Absolutely not. One lion's life is not worthy of soliciting hundreds of death threats and going viral. It's the same with that dress that may have been gold or may have been blue, or the Vanity Fair magazine cover with Bruce/ Caitlyn Jenner on it.  Why do things like these go viral and get people all worked up when there are legitimate problems all over the world that need our attention so desperately? I think people want something to get mad about, but the big issues that really matter are too hard for them to think about, so they target more trivial things to create controversy around. If people could use all that trolling energy for things that could actually make a difference, we could get a lot accomplished. 

Here are just a few things I think deserve a little more passion from people, in no particular order:

1. The Presidential Campaign. We are about to choose the next person who runs our country, and I have seen very little about who is running (other than people making fun of Donald Trump) or what they stand for. I think we, as a nation, need to pay more attention to who is running in the world of politics, what their opinions are, and what they want to do while in office. If we took the time to educate ourselves and spread the word on a larger scale and spend less time ranting about cups, we might be able to do more good. 

2. Women's rights. I am a feminist in the conventional sense. I don't dye my armpit hair, burn my bras, boycott any toy that isn't gender neutral, or try to claim in any way that women are better than men. Men and women are not the same, and will never be, and aren't intended to be, but they are absolutely equal. Both should get the same respect from people and from the culture as a whole. I believe women and men should receive equal pay for equal work and not have to face discrimination in the work place, or for choosing to be stay at home moms. I especially am passionate about how women are overly sexualized in the media. When a scantily clad woman is used to sell everything from cars to hamburgers, there is a problem. The industry knows that sex sells, and that needs to stop. Women need to be valued for more than just their bodies and seen as more than objects for sexual gratification. We need more strong female role models in tv shows and movies, who aren't just there for the sex appeal and play no real part in the plot. We need to stop over photo shopping every image to unrealistic proportions and celebrate what real women look like naturally. Make up is fine, being in shape is fine, just stop making these models look like totally different people. one in five women experience sexual assault by the time they leave college, and the overall culture that views women as objects contributes to that. We need to fight against eating disorders, rape, domestic violence, sexism in the work place, and the wage gap between men and women.  I could rant about this all day, but I'll move on. 

3. Abortion. I'll try not to dwell on this one too long, because I don't want to start a riot, but I believe abortion is murder, and shouldn't be so easily accessible. I won't say illegal, because I know some situations, mainly rape and cases where the life of the mother or child is in jeopardy, are more grey area, but if you get an abortion just because you don't think you could handle pregnancy or parenthood, you don't want to deal with it, you don't want to get fat, etc...I can't stand behind that. A baby in the womb is it's own individual person with a heartbeat and unique dna, that can feel pain. The whole "my body, my choice" argument isn't strong enough to make that acceptable. If you don't want to be a parent yet, put the child up for adoption, because there are a lot of people who would love that baby, or better yet, use protection, or wait until you are ready for that responsibility before you even have sex. 

4. Equal rights for all people. I believe all people are loved by God, and all people should respect each other and be kind to one another. Whether you are male, female, LGBT, straight, black, white, rich, or poor, we should all have certain rights and protections, and in general treat each other like fellow human beings. 

5. Poverty. I won't say I'm totally on board with taking money from the rich and giving it to the poor, but I do think it'e ridiculous that some people, like actors, models, athletes, and politicians, make way more money than is necessary for any one person to have. If you make millions or billions of dollars a year and you have multiple million dollar mansions, that is unnecessary. I know so many people who struggle to put food on the table or buy diapers for their babies, and I know there are many more without homes and basic necessities. Some of it, I'm sure is for lack of effort, and I don't think people should be rewarded for laziness and live off government assistance if they are capable of doing more to better their situation. But some people I know work really hard and have an education and still struggle. I just have a hard time understanding why people who do little to make a difference except to entertain people make so much money that they really don't need. They could get by on much less, and many people could get by on what they make in a day for a whole year or more. I can't think of a perfect solution for this, because most of that money comes from merchandise, etc, that we ourselves buy, and people who do work hard to honestly earn a living and do well for themselves and use their money wisely shouldn't be punished, but it's something we need to work on. 

6. People who make a difference in the lives of others. Let's make teachers and nurses and soldiers and the every day working hero go viral. Let's give people attention for molding young minds and savings lives and raising our future leaders. If anybody deserves the limelight, it's people like these who help others, instead of tearing them down. 

7. War. If there was any way I could stop any and all wars in the world and help the Kings and Queens and Presidents and Diplomats all sit down together and calmly resolve their issues over cheesecake (as a friend in high school put it so well), I would. I think as a race we should be more advance after thousands of years of experience to figure out a way to stop killing millions of people, and sending our own to death, over things that could be resolved by a few, without bloodshed. Unfortunately, there are still crazy people in the world, so it doesn't look like that's likely to happen any time soon. Still, we can work together to encourage less bloodshed where we can. 

8. Education. Our education system could use some changes, on both the primary and secondary levels. First off, we need to make sure our schools have enough funding to be able to properly teach. Second, we need to make a good education more affordable for everybody. Third, we need to use some more progressive methods to teach, other than just testing. Testing can be useful, but isn't always the best measure of every person's knowledge and understanding. Fourth, we need to offer more classes that apply to the real life world. I think it's important to learn how to do things like cook and fix cars, as well as learning basic home maintenance, budgeting, paying taxes, registering your car, and other things nobody bothers to tell you about when you're a teenager, but then all of a sudden when you're out on your own, you're expected to know how to function as an adult and take care of these things. Also, I don't know if it's the education system, or social media and texting, or what, but people's grammar has just gotten unbearable in recent years. I mean, basic punctuation, people! At least use periods! 

9. Health- Our nation, myself included, has been getting heavier and more unhealthy by the year. While I don't care how big people are, I do care if they are healthy, and I think we need to make healthy foods more accessible than junk food, and educate people on ways to work exercise into their daily lives and make healthy choices. Along with the idea of health, I think we need to do more to educate new parents how to keep their babies healthy and safe. Hospitals do a good job at educating about sids, now, but I think more could be done to help people be aware of basic first aid, what to do when your child is sick, what is ok to feed them, etc. 

10. Our Medical System- Healthcare reform is definitely something we need to work on. I think Obamacare had the right idea in some ways, but didn't fix the whole problem. People need to have accessible and affordable healthcare so that they don't go bankrupt from medical bills from a medical condition, or even from just having a baby. 

Anyway, sorry about the ranting and all the opinions. These aren't all the things I care about, by any means, but my overall point is, if you're going to let yourself get worked up about something, at least be productive with your angry energy. There's no point in getting mad about a red cup or a dead lion when you could be getting mad about something that could actually improve the lives of fellow human beings. With all the drama in my own life lately, I think I need a little more perspective about things that actually matter, too. 

March 28, 2017, New Job

People are going to be telling me happy birthday all day, but it doesn't feel like my birthday. All I can think about is whether or not taking a job at the Space Cadets comic book store was the right decision. At first when Dave said I should ask if they're hiring when we were there browsing, I asked just to humor him, half serious. I became more serious and excited when the owner told me I could bring my kids to work because it was a family friendly environment and other employees sometimes brought their kids because they homeschooled. When I turned in my resume, they said they decided bringing Jude would be too much because he would be running around and messing with stuff, which I totally understood, but as long as I could still bring Zeke I figured it was still ok because he's still so little and won't always take a bottle. I figured for a few months I could work evenings and Saturdays when Dave could watch Jude, and then we could get Jude into preschool in the fall and I could work while he's at school. Then I figured out he doesn't qualify for public preschool and private ones are minimum $225 a month, which would be almost half of my paycheck, but I figured I wanted him in preschool anyway because he would benefit from it, so we could make it work.

 I took the job. Everybody has been super friendly and nice and welcoming. The work is pretty easy and I enjoy it. I've worked 3 days so far. Two evenings and an 8 hour Saturday. Last night the owner told me I couldn't bring Zeke anymore because I'm not able to get much done with him there and he's also a distraction to the employees who are already trained because they all want to hold him and talk to him. Again, that's reasonable, and it's true, I can't be very productive when I have to get up and tend to him every few minutes or stop to feed him or hold him while I'm working. I'm thinking now I'm going to cut my Saturdays to 4 hours instead of 8, but I still don't feel completely at peace with my decision, and I also don't feel good about quitting. I've been struggling for at least the last 8 months, on and off possibly for almost 2 years, with depression and anxiety, so making decisions like this is especially hard when I feel so inadequate and pressured and guilty about everything. It seemed to be getting better for a couple weeks recently, but since I accepted the job I've been more on edge. I cried the whole way to work on my first Saturday. It was hard saying goodbye to Jude and Dave and knowing I'm essentially giving up my prime time to do things with them and socialize with friends, going to things like baby showers and Ward activities and Time Out for Women, and ladies nights (which I didn't always go to anyway because I was too tired or felt selfish spending money and making Dave stay home with the kids). This means I might have to miss some of Jude's Saturday football games, or Zeke's first steps...I won't have as much time for things like Primary presidency meetings or homework or my filing job...I'm still babysitting at least twice a week for now, too, which is really good for Jude. I was already feeling stressed and overwhelmed before trying to get everything done, and I constantly feel I'm falling short as a parent- always brushing Jude aside, telling him I'm too busy to play with him or read to him because I've got chores or filing work or schoolwork to do, trying to hold Zeke over with binkeys until I'm at a stopping point in whatever I'm doing so I can pick him up...So far I've been able to balance 3 jobs and school ok, even with a cold, but it's only been 3 days, so who knows if it will continue smoothly. Going to work does get me out of the house regularly, and gives me a chance to interact with other adults on a daily basis, so that's good for me, because I do get stir crazy being at home with the kids all the time. And I always feel more accomplished when I'm earning money for the family instead of feeling like a freeloader. I guess one of my biggest fears (standing opposite my fear of failing my children as a parent) is going back to being dirt poor like we were when we first moved to Texas and I wasn't working or going to school (which was awesome, in many ways, getting to spend so much quality time with Jude without distractions). There were times when we didn't have any idea how we were going to afford another pack of diapers, and baby Jude was living off of freeze dried fruit from my mother in laws food storage, and we were having ramen or rice and eggs for dinner most nights, and I was always getting calls from debt collectors. This is pretty much the flip of that situation. We are able to provide a comfortable temporal life, but not give as much one on one quality time. When Dave was working full time and in school full time, he felt like he wasn't very close with Jude and missed out on having a good relationship with him. I'm afraid of the same thing happening to me. Sure I'm home with him during the day all day, but 3-4 of those hours he spends in his room while I keep telling him to take a nap, and during the morning I'm rushing around doing chores and school and filing to get as much done as I can before work at night, so he's just left to his own devices, then at night I get hime just in time to say goodnight. I know if I didn't work any of my 3 jobs or get pell grant money, things would be tight again. Dave makes more now than he did then, so we could afford all our bills and food, but we wouldn't be able to put money in savings anymore, which we're finally doing lately with an aggressive savings plan. We even paid off all our credit cards. We've never been in such a good place financially, and I don't want to be responsible for holding us back and halting that progress. I also remember when Dave was working days and I was working nights as a custodian at BYU, and that was really hard, only being able to see each other for a couple hours late at night when we were both tired. And back then we had less going on and no kids and we were younger, so we had more energy and were able to stay up longer. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't quit at this point because I've already been trained at worked 3 days and I don't want to put them in an awkward situation, and I don't want to let Dave down because it makes him so excited and proud that I work there, but I just don't know what the best thing is to do for myself and my family. I know Dave will support my decision either way. He said it's my choice. Maybe it's good for him to have more one on one time with the boys now. I am worried about losing my milk supply and having to start buying formula though. After our vacation I went from pumping almost 20 oz a day in addition to nursing to less than 5oz and it's not really building back up despite my best efforts. I'm torn.