Entrepreneurial Journal Week 2

I think Randy Pausch had an incredible drive and motivation from a young age to lead a fulfilling life. He set very specific goals, he figured out what he needed to do to accomplish them, and then he followed through. Most people had dreams, but many don’t accomplish them because they don’t think it’s possible, and they choose more “realistic” or “practical” things to focus on instead. Tying that in to what I’ve learned this week, it seems like the big picture idea is that we need to figure out what it is in life that we want. Once we know what’s most important to us at our core, we can set goals and figure out what we need to do between now and reaching those goals to make it all happen. I think dreaming is important because it helps us to discover our goals and reach for the stars and push our limits to be the best we can and enjoy life to it’s fullest. One of my childhood dreams was to be a famous singer. I think if I tried hard enough and knew the right people, it’s possible to achieve, but at this point in time, I’ve chosen to focus more on my family, and I think putting that much effort towards a singing career wouldn’t help my family and could potentially damage my relationship with my husband and kids, which are more important to me than anything in the world. Sometimes our dreams change as we get older because our priorities and values change and mature. I believe there are some things we dream of as children that can and should be sought after, but others that could become a distraction from what’s truly important. I would rather be a good person and a good wife and mother than be famous.

April 4, 2017, Working Mom

I think I have some kind of internal need to be superwoman and do it all and make people think "wow, how does she do it all?". It's beginning to get unhealthy. Right now I'm going to school online full time with a four year old and 5 month old, I babysit 2 days a week (6:30-3:30), I do an online filing job on average about 10 hours a week, I just took a part time job at a comic book store 6 days a week, 3 hours in the evenings while Dave can watch the kids and 3-4 hours on Saturdays. Then on Sundays I run around at church doing primary presidency stuff. Basically I wake up early, spend the day trying to do housework, filing, and homework while taking care of kids, leave for work as soon as my husband gets home, get home just in time to put them to bed, then spend the rest of the night finishing whatever work I couldn't get done earlier in the day until I crash.
When I'm home, I'm working. When I'm not home, I'm working. When I do get time off, I'm too tired and cranky to enjoy my family and give them real quality time. I park my son in front of the tv all morning and yell at him to take a nap all afternoon, and if I'm lucky I'll have the time and energy to read him a bedtime story before bed. I've cut my mothering responsibilities to the bone. I keep the kids fed and safe and there's not much else I can do. I have to push through schoolwork or filing while my baby cries because I have to get it done. I come home at night to a screaming baby because he's hungry and wouldn't eat for my husband while I was gone.
Financially, we're doing great now, but the cost is my life. I have no life. I just work from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, and I never get anything completely done. I cut corners and make mistakes and ignore my family. I don't wan to talk to my friends when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed or depressed because I don't want to be that friend that's always a downer and complaining about everything without anything positive to say. When I do have friends visit, I feel antsy like I need to be doing something productive while we talk or rush them out because I'm wasting time that I should be using to work. I don't even get a break at night while I sleep. My baby still wakes up 2-3 times a night and of course I'm the only one who can feed him and get him back to sleep.
I'm sleep deprived, running on what little willpower I have that motivates me to take care of what needs to get done and earn money to provide for my family. The people at work are really nice, but I only see them for a few minutes before and after my shift. If I talk too much before, I cut into my productivity, and if I talk too much after, I come home to a screaming baby and frustrated husband.
I want to spend time reading books to my boys and taking them on long walks and going to the part and swimming pool and teaching them to read and write and paint and do puzzles with them and bathe them more than once or twice a week...My dream is to live in a nice big house and have all day to play with my kids and teach them and shower them with love and attention and do crafts and projects and have playdates with friends and host parties and go to ladies nights and baby showers and time out for women and play dates and trips to the museums or parks or zoo and go on dates with my husband regularly and be able to do more service for others and volunteer and do my calling and visiting teaching and have time to read the scriptures and go to the gym and take a shower without rushing and fix my hair and make-up every day...but there's no time for any of that right now. I shouldn't be wasting time writing this blog. It's just procrastinating my homework and filing while kids are running around yelling behind me.
I want to spend time with my friends and family and do church stuff and get in shape, but I also don't want to be poor again and starve my children and drain our savings and max out our credit cards. I just can't have it all. I can't have the lifestyle I want without working myself to the bone. I feel like there's so much more I could be doing in my life to be productive and help others and feel fulfilled, but it's all overshadowed by the need for money.  If Dave got a higher paying job, it would help with some of that, but then he wouldn't get as many breaks and he wouldn't be at home as much, so it's a no win situation. For the past 3 years I've been trying everything I could think of to make money from home through babysitting, selling breast milk or baby food, teaching voice lessons...Finally I'm trying to work outside the home, and it's more stressful because I have to leave my kids and husband because I don't make enough to justify hiring a babysitter.