March 28, 2017, New Job

People are going to be telling me happy birthday all day, but it doesn't feel like my birthday. All I can think about is whether or not taking a job at the Space Cadets comic book store was the right decision. At first when Dave said I should ask if they're hiring when we were there browsing, I asked just to humor him, half serious. I became more serious and excited when the owner told me I could bring my kids to work because it was a family friendly environment and other employees sometimes brought their kids because they homeschooled. When I turned in my resume, they said they decided bringing Jude would be too much because he would be running around and messing with stuff, which I totally understood, but as long as I could still bring Zeke I figured it was still ok because he's still so little and won't always take a bottle. I figured for a few months I could work evenings and Saturdays when Dave could watch Jude, and then we could get Jude into preschool in the fall and I could work while he's at school. Then I figured out he doesn't qualify for public preschool and private ones are minimum $225 a month, which would be almost half of my paycheck, but I figured I wanted him in preschool anyway because he would benefit from it, so we could make it work.

 I took the job. Everybody has been super friendly and nice and welcoming. The work is pretty easy and I enjoy it. I've worked 3 days so far. Two evenings and an 8 hour Saturday. Last night the owner told me I couldn't bring Zeke anymore because I'm not able to get much done with him there and he's also a distraction to the employees who are already trained because they all want to hold him and talk to him. Again, that's reasonable, and it's true, I can't be very productive when I have to get up and tend to him every few minutes or stop to feed him or hold him while I'm working. I'm thinking now I'm going to cut my Saturdays to 4 hours instead of 8, but I still don't feel completely at peace with my decision, and I also don't feel good about quitting. I've been struggling for at least the last 8 months, on and off possibly for almost 2 years, with depression and anxiety, so making decisions like this is especially hard when I feel so inadequate and pressured and guilty about everything. It seemed to be getting better for a couple weeks recently, but since I accepted the job I've been more on edge. I cried the whole way to work on my first Saturday. It was hard saying goodbye to Jude and Dave and knowing I'm essentially giving up my prime time to do things with them and socialize with friends, going to things like baby showers and Ward activities and Time Out for Women, and ladies nights (which I didn't always go to anyway because I was too tired or felt selfish spending money and making Dave stay home with the kids). This means I might have to miss some of Jude's Saturday football games, or Zeke's first steps...I won't have as much time for things like Primary presidency meetings or homework or my filing job...I'm still babysitting at least twice a week for now, too, which is really good for Jude. I was already feeling stressed and overwhelmed before trying to get everything done, and I constantly feel I'm falling short as a parent- always brushing Jude aside, telling him I'm too busy to play with him or read to him because I've got chores or filing work or schoolwork to do, trying to hold Zeke over with binkeys until I'm at a stopping point in whatever I'm doing so I can pick him up...So far I've been able to balance 3 jobs and school ok, even with a cold, but it's only been 3 days, so who knows if it will continue smoothly. Going to work does get me out of the house regularly, and gives me a chance to interact with other adults on a daily basis, so that's good for me, because I do get stir crazy being at home with the kids all the time. And I always feel more accomplished when I'm earning money for the family instead of feeling like a freeloader. I guess one of my biggest fears (standing opposite my fear of failing my children as a parent) is going back to being dirt poor like we were when we first moved to Texas and I wasn't working or going to school (which was awesome, in many ways, getting to spend so much quality time with Jude without distractions). There were times when we didn't have any idea how we were going to afford another pack of diapers, and baby Jude was living off of freeze dried fruit from my mother in laws food storage, and we were having ramen or rice and eggs for dinner most nights, and I was always getting calls from debt collectors. This is pretty much the flip of that situation. We are able to provide a comfortable temporal life, but not give as much one on one quality time. When Dave was working full time and in school full time, he felt like he wasn't very close with Jude and missed out on having a good relationship with him. I'm afraid of the same thing happening to me. Sure I'm home with him during the day all day, but 3-4 of those hours he spends in his room while I keep telling him to take a nap, and during the morning I'm rushing around doing chores and school and filing to get as much done as I can before work at night, so he's just left to his own devices, then at night I get hime just in time to say goodnight. I know if I didn't work any of my 3 jobs or get pell grant money, things would be tight again. Dave makes more now than he did then, so we could afford all our bills and food, but we wouldn't be able to put money in savings anymore, which we're finally doing lately with an aggressive savings plan. We even paid off all our credit cards. We've never been in such a good place financially, and I don't want to be responsible for holding us back and halting that progress. I also remember when Dave was working days and I was working nights as a custodian at BYU, and that was really hard, only being able to see each other for a couple hours late at night when we were both tired. And back then we had less going on and no kids and we were younger, so we had more energy and were able to stay up longer. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't quit at this point because I've already been trained at worked 3 days and I don't want to put them in an awkward situation, and I don't want to let Dave down because it makes him so excited and proud that I work there, but I just don't know what the best thing is to do for myself and my family. I know Dave will support my decision either way. He said it's my choice. Maybe it's good for him to have more one on one time with the boys now. I am worried about losing my milk supply and having to start buying formula though. After our vacation I went from pumping almost 20 oz a day in addition to nursing to less than 5oz and it's not really building back up despite my best efforts. I'm torn.