Let me start out by saying, this blog is purely a way for me to vent, because writing helps me blow off steam. I have a wonderful life, and I am so grateful for my husband and family and all the adorable kids in my life. That being said, everything isn't always perfect. I just went to a baptism of a little girl in my primary, and it was a little stressful. I had to go by myself with both boys because one of our cars isn't working and Dave had to go in to work, so I had to drive all the way over to New Caney and drop him off, and I'm going to pick him back up in a little bit. I actually didn't mind the driving, because it got me out of the house, and I got to have some time to talk with David in the car, which I appreciated.
I have been to several baptisms of children who have been in my class or otherwise personally connected to me, and I am always so happy when they choose to be baptized, and so glad when I am able to attend. I really wish it could be a nice experience, where I can feel the spirit and cry tears of joy, but they are usually tears of frustration instead, because I usually have to bring Jude, and sitting still and being calm and quiet is not his forte. Austin was actually very well behaved, for the most part. he dumped some cereal out on the floor in the car and in the church, and he was squirmy, but he was at least happy and quiet. Jude, on the other hand, started out by breaking free of my hand and running down the aisle in the chapel, dragging his blanket behind, when we first arrived. He wasn't happy with any of the toys I gave him and only wanted whatever Austin had when we were in the chapel, but other than that he wasn't too bad during the opening exercises. He was pretty good during the actual baptism, too, which is more than I can say for past baptisms we've been to. I often miss seeing it happen because I have to take him, screaming, out into the hall. Right after he got to watch, though, he didn't want to sit or stay with me, and he wanted juice. He is so addicted to juice, but I had forgotten to bring any. I had lots of toys and snacks and his Avengers blanket, but those wouldn't suffice. He wanted to get down and go run around and play, and he wanted juice, and neither were options, so he threw a fit. I missed the confirmation and some of the singing and talks because I had to take him out so he wouldn't be such a distraction. Thankfully a friend kept Austin with her and watched him while I took Jude out so it wasn't as much of a scene.
Jude has always stressed me out whenever I take him outside the house, especially when people I know are around. I always feel like I need to be perfect in how I handle every situation because I'm being judged and scrutinized by everybody around me, as both a parent and a daycare provider/babysitter. If people like how I handle things, they might refer me to friends, but if they don't agree or approve of my methods they won't want to use me. The thing about child care and parenting, though, is that there is no one right way, and everybody has such different and strong opinions about what is ok and what is the worst possible thing you could possibly ever do to a child. You can't please everybody. In my daycare I've come across that quite a bit. Like for some kids, if I "let them sleep too much" during the day, their parents blame me for them not sleeping at night, but for other kids, if I "don't let them sleep enough" I'm responsible for them being cranky. Both kids could have had the same amount of sleep, or I could have them on a regular schedule or just let them sleep whenever they're tired, but no matter what I do, chances are, not everybody will agree with it. Anyway, Jude is especially challenging for me. I haven't figured out a tried and true method for helping him calm down when he is running around being too crazy or when he is getting cranky or upset that he isn't getting what he wants. It was worse for a couple weeks when Austin first joined us, but it's gone back to normal since then. Normal is still stressful in public, though. At least in my own house I can send him outside to use his energy, or put him in time out or send him to his room, or get him what he needs. In my house it's safe and controlled. I know what he can get into and what soothes him and he can run around as much as he likes. When we go elsewhere, I have to somehow get him to be more calm, and I only have whatever I can pack in my bag to keep him happy. Then when I don't have what he wants and he has a tantrum, it's embarrassing. That's why play groups at other people's houses is often more stressful than fun for me. I have no idea why his behavior is so much worse than any of the other kids I take care of. I could take all four other toddlers somewhere without him, and it would probably be about the same as just Jude. I don't know where I've gone wrong or what I've done to let him become like this. It's not all the time, at least. He can be the sweetest, funniest kid in the world when he wants to be, but sometimes he drives me to my wits end!
I think part of the problem is that we are at home so much that when we go other places, he gets too excited and wants to run around and explore, even when it's not appropriate. We are pretty stuck most of the time because our second car has issues with the transmission (we think, maybe) and the battery is dead, and we just haven't had a chance to get it looked at. I'm working 10 hour days keeping other people's kids, and Dave has been working 6 days a week, staying late to work on homework, going to mutual and stuff at night, and going to this scout training camp called woodbadge that's six days spread over two weekends, Thursday-Saturday. He's been working Saturdays to make up for that so he doesn't have to take any vacation days, and to work on this big ongoing project at work. He's working full time, going to school full time, and he's the Young Men's President in our ward, so he's always actively involved in church stuff, working with the boys, and doing stuff for the scout program. That's all great, and I know he's working so hard to finish school and do his duty to God and provide for our family and take care of other people. He is such a great man, but at the same time, I miss him. And I don't have a car to use while he's constantly gone, so things like doctors appointments and grocery shopping and helping people or socializing are made more tricky. I've gotten used to him being gone a lot, and I can handle it. He's been gone for a week for scout camp the last two or three summers, and he's worked many late nights and weekends before. I understand that all the things he's doing are important/mandatory and I wouldn't change that. I fully support him in everything he does. But I am really looking forward to when he doesn't have to spend his nights doing homework and maybe we can have more regular date nights, or at least have dinner as a family almost every night and some help putting the kids to bed. He graduates in December. Just a few weeks to go! He keeps asking me to just hold on for a little longer, and that he will have more time to spend with us and to do work around the house and everything once he's done with school. I'm trying to hold on, but sometimes it's hard. And I know that if it's not school there will always be something keeping him busy. Life doesn't just slow down.
I miss Dave, of course, but at least I still get to see him almost every night. And like I said, I'm used to him not being around much. I can run the household on my own, fix most things by myself, put the kids to bed...but it's the lack of transportation that's really been getting me lately. When you work from home, surrounded by kids every day, sometimes all you need is to get out of the house. I have several friends who have given me rides or who have offered to, but I hate accepting favors or asking for help. I want to be the one who is able to help people. I don't like to rely on others. I feel like I owe them, even though I know they probably don't mind. I don't want to put anybody out or take advantage of anybody's kindness. I know there are so many other people, even in our ward, that need help so much more than I do, and there are more of them than there are people who are able and willing to help them. I don't want to use up people's resources that could be better spent on somebody who needs them more.
When I do get out of the house, I usually have both toddlers with me, so it's not exactly relaxing. Grocery trips are spent telling them to "Stop kicking each other. Don't lay down on him. Don't grab things off of the shelf. No you can't get down because last time I let you down you ran away and knocked stuff over. I'm sorry, buddy, I can't hold you anymore, you're too heavy and my arms are getting tired...." I know that's something most moms can relate to. Sometimes I would just like to go somewhere besides the grocery store or church, and I would like to go without kids. Last week, there was a night that Dave was supposed to be working late, but he surprised me by coming home early and saying he wanted to take me out to dinner. We got a babysitter for a couple hours, and you have no IDEA how much that small gesture meant to me. I enjoyed that couple of hours SO much! I hope after December, nights like that become more frequent. There was also a night last week that a friend offered to take the boys to a trunk or treat and give me some alone time to set up for our Halloween party the next day. She is a wonderful person and I truly appreciated that gesture.
Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I love the funny things they say and do. I love the cuddles and the feel of a little head resting on my shoulder or a little hand wrapped around my finger. I love their energy and honesty and the sweet moments when they share without being told, or eat their vegetables without argument, or hug a friend who was upset. I love my own biological son, and I also love the dozens of children I care for and think of as mine, in a way. I love all my daycare kids and primary kids at church. They are so sweet and innocent and accepting.
But sometimes...I need grown up time. So I'm just holding on until my Thanksgiving break and Christmas break when I'll hopefully have Dave around more, and maybe a little kid free time. I'm holding on until Dave graduates and has a little more time. I'm holding on until we can get the car fixed. I'm holding on for any little break I can get.
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